Tag Archives: humor

Can I Have One? I am one step closer to a padded room!

9 Jan

image

Recently my girlfriend Kit posted this picture on her FB page with the simple statement…Can I have one?  Obviously the movie industry now realizes that if you want big audiences then you need to put some eye candy for the moms so they can broaden their sales market.  Let’s face it THE ROCK made The Tooth Fairy movie worth watching, and I will secretly admit to watching it again on cable!  The sad thing is that I am so completely out of touch with the real world that I seriously thought that she meant she wanted the high powered firearm!  I desperately need to get a life and possibly broaden cocktail hours if I am commenting on firearms and not the ROCK solid guns coming soon to the next GI Joe film.  In fact, I may have to call for a girls night of cocktails and then movie screening as a reassurance that I still have one foot outside of the padded room!

Advertisements

True Romance…The Sweet Relish Slurp

8 Jan

image

Recently, at a hockey game I was desperate for food.  You know I was seriously close to starving as I agreed to a hockey rink hot dog…the only hot dogs I consent to eat without feeling faint from hunger are from our local hot dog cart!  My hubby went to get me the lukewarm, mystery meat, belly ache in a bun and I  waited listening to my stomach protest with hunger and outrage at my life choice.  As my hubby returns, all smiles, as he is doing his good husband deed for like the month; I notice the slimy, limey, hint of sweet relish soaking into the day old bun of my gourmet rink dog.  Sweet relish does not belong on anything that I could ever think of!  Especially close to bread where the bread gets soggy, seepy, and weepy.  Seepy and weepy are words used to describe cold sores not something you may be considering ingesting!  About this time , my hubby promptly and literally slurps the relish right off my skinny little dog and hands it to me like nothing just happened.  As sweet and innocent as this gesture of romance was,  I did indeed decline and offered to let him enjoy this opportunity to have my dog as I had suddenly lost my will to eat ever again!  I still look at this as a caring effort just not exactly appetizing!  Thanks to my hubby! 

Going to Squeeze It In….Sideways If I Have To!

21 Oct

 This is true to a point…I would love to write and feed the fam! I have missed writing all of my silly thoughts and wanderings! So I am going to swquish it in somewhere between work, home, kids, hockey, basketball, band, room mom (don’t get me started), and of course SATAN (I meant LAUNDRY)! I have been keeping a list of things to touch on so look for some crazy things coming up as well as some interesting tidbits!

You Just Drive Around All Day….The Ultimate Fighting Words!

11 Jul

 

You Just Drive Around All Day!!! We have all heard it!  Your husband is at work, comes home, and maybe you ask for help with dinner or bedtime and then the words just come out….YOU JUST DRIVE AROUND ALL DAY!!!   After a day of feeding the kids, driving 45 miles to a hockey camp and then 45 miles back,  then grocery shop…finally you get home to the sink full of dishes from breakfast, the 5 loads of laundry  waiting by washer, putting those groceries away, breaking up several WWF matches, cooking dinner,  and supervising friends running in and out and all over, all while eating all of the groceries you just bought…Those 6 words are like splinters of fire  in your eyes!!!  Granted your hubby was gone all day without KIDS  but the age-old argument of who does what or more is undoubtedly the worst!  The debate never stops and neither side will ever surrender!  So now the emotional fire is raging, claws are out, kids are finally in bed, and your husband is batting his eyelashes  waiting for you to emerge from the bathroom in high heels…Yes, they really think you should be in the mood for love!  NOT!  If they only lived in the real world then maybe they would feel LUCKY a lot more often!

Is That Seriously Stuck To Your Car?

25 Apr

Okay…I am not a huge fan of putting stickers all over my vehicle and I know my husband loves me but I WOULD NOT allow that bumper sticker (see left).  I would be embarrassed to drive his truck!   This sticker is worse than the “SET” that some of you hang from your hitch…you could at least paint them BLUE!    Don’t hold your breath because you will not see either any time soon around here!

Snack Day

15 Mar

All I hear these days is….It is your snack day for just about everything.  Last week alone I had to provide 6 dozen cookies, 2 2-Liters of soda, and snacks for 2 classes for movie day!  Maybe I was completely oblivious when I was little but I am just about positive that my parents provided snack for just about NOTHING!   If I am not bringing snacks for the hockey teams, class rooms, or some kind of NEW HOLIDAY then I am buying food at every snack bar we pass on the planet.  My youngest son has been known on many early mornings at the hockey rink to order himself a belly buster serving of SNOT & CHIPS (most of you know this as nachos).  At this point, I literally almost gag at that congealed cheese slowing sliding down day old chips…but the kids inhale them!  Of course they also have eaten plenty of any kind of gross body parts on a bun (also known as the HOT DOG).  Just add ketchup and stuff in mouth!  I have literally spent a small fortune!  A few times for the younger kids I have tried to send something kind of good like Cheese Its…all of a sudden you are like the uncool, alien mom who tried to poison everyone.  And those of you who have tried veggies as a snack…I am even laughing at you!  Maybe I should read Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook…apparently she is a genius of “slipping” healthy items into almost anything!  She clearly lives on planet BULLSHIT!

 

Giving It Up For Lent

8 Mar

I am always amazed at this time of year.  Giving up your absolute favorite thing for 40 days is really asking a lot.  One of my girlfriends had a great idea!  Giving up the thing most of us love the most… giving up the hubby and kids!  The only problem there is finding someone to make sure that they survive!   If you chose alcohol then you risk sanity and ruin St. Patrick’s Day.  If you chose coffee you again risk sanity and in some cases the lives others.  If you chose chocolate you really risk sanity and should probably make sure your husband has life insurance.  It is a tough choice!  Good luck to everyone on this endeavor and this time of quiet reflection.  May you exchange one vice for another.

You Had Me Going There…That Is Not What An Iron Is Really For!?

10 Feb

Not a big fan of ironing is an UNDERSTATEMENT!  DO NOT iron is more like it kitty kat!  The dryer is for getting wrinkles out!  Through it in there and presto, chango….I am calling it good!  Also, that place called the dry cleaner does a wonderful at pressing items too…they are like wrinkle magicians!  I do own an iron…BUT I use it for melty beads, wax paper and crayons, more like the creative, craft, assistant.  I actually bought some Egyptian Cotton Sheets…1200 thread count…BIG MISTAKE!  I will not iron them and they are always in a hot wrinkled mess…Don’t laugh, but I have let my 10-year-old son iron them..What?  He thought it was fun!  My neighbor, GOD LOVE HER, irons everything!  Every sheet, pillow case, and sometimes towels…I have assured her that if she is ever bored I will gladly toss some laundry over the fence!  Just washing and drying would be almost a miracle, she would not even have to iron !  For those of you who iron everything inside and out of your home…PLEASE ,PLEASE get a hobby, and ironing is NOT a hobby!  So, now there is no reason to question my families wrinkles…I am doing this for the sake of our planet!  Peace, Love, And An End To Ironing!

Forget Counting The Sheep…I Am Going To Just Start Shooting Them!

10 Feb

Bring It On!!!  What is with the not sleeping thing?  I am so tired so early and then about 1 am or so wide awake even though my body is waiting for more sleep.  I for sure have trouble turning off my brain…it’s always groceries, laundry, hockey, school, whatever fumbling around in all of that hot air!  If I try to take something I am like a ZOMBIE for the next 2 days!  What ever happened to the person who could fall asleep forever pretty much anywhere?  And how come guys can just turn the switch and be dead to the world?  And let me assure everyone, especially you gents out there, that a crabby wife with like no sleep in NOT a sexual goddess…EVER!!!  WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?  It is all of these little things that drive us to HEAVY ON THE MARY please..although that still does not remedy the late night owl syndrome!

The 2011 Blizzard…BLOODY LONG DAY!

3 Feb

Snow days are always an exciting prospect!  Yesterday was no exception!  We started out the day with a huge breakfast of homemade french toast…which by the way uses over a half loaf of bread!  YUMMY!  With full tummies they bundled up and headed outside…by noon I had a slap shot through the garage window, water puddles pretty much everywhere, 4 or 5 pairs of wet socks, at least one change of clothes, and wet, snowy clothes everywhere!  So I gathered the troops for lunch!  The consensus was for grilled cheese…another yummy AND the rest of the loaf of bread with a half-gallon of milk!  By this time my oldest has a friend over running around outside, shooting hockey pucks, making snowballs, and trying to climb on the roof!  The other 2 wanted to play the XBOX which is always fun as all they do is fight over who gets to do what….By this time I am hearing voices in my head directing me to make a BLOODY MARY STAT….HEAVY ON THE MARY!  Snack time…everyone raids the kitchen…cereal, cookies, chips, rest of the gallon of milk, 6 or so juice boxes…FEEDING FRENZY!  All of my food is disappearing fast and I am feeling the hoarding instinct kicking in…there is nothing worse than grocery shopping..STOP EATING QUICK!  I have gone to great lengths to avoid grocery shopping and if it means hiding the food so be it!  Nobody tells you before you have children that you will indeed have to keep feeding them for a undertermined length of time…like a LIFETIME!  As we head into dinner time I get another BLOODY MARY..okay maybe just a shot of MARY!  There are legos covering the living room floor, and I had to change my socks yet again as I just stepped in a puddle of melted snow my the door, and I am feeling just a little cranky!  Hey there MARY fancy running into you here!  By the time 9 o’clock rolls around I am laying on the couch thinking their brains are going to turn into mush from playing video games, but I am too tired to even try to crack the whip…I just pull the blanket up and eventually they start dropping like flies…but not before they said their prayers for another snow day while I am silently begging God and MARY for a safe trip TO school in the morning..AMEN!

%d bloggers like this: